| Symptom | Probable Cause | Solution |
|---|
| Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste, shirt front wet |
Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face |
Take a six-pack and
practice in front of
mirror until drinking
technique is perfect
|
| Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste, beer
unusually pale
|
Glass empty |
Find someone who'll
buy you another beer
|
| Feet cold and wet |
Glass being held at incorrect angle |
Hold glass such that
open end points toward
ceiling
|
| Feet warm and wet |
Loss of self control |
Move to nearest dog.
After a few minutes,
complain loudly about its
lack of training; demand
beer in compensation
|
| Bar hazy and out of focus |
You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass
|
Find someone who'll buy
you another beer
|
| Bar swaying |
Unusually high air turbulance, perhaps due to darts match
|
Insert broom handle down
back of shirt
|
| Bar moving |
You are being carried out |
Find out if you are being
taken to another bar. If
not, complain loudly that
you are being hijacked.
|
| You notice that the wall opposite you is covered with ceiling tiles and has a flourescent strip across it |
You have fallen over backwards |
If no one is standing on
your drinking arm and your
beer is full, stay put.
Otherwise, have someone
help you up and lash
yourself to the bar
|
| Everything has become dim. Your nose & lips are
bleeding
|
You have fallen over forwards |
Same as for falling over
backwards
|
| You wake to find your bed hard, cold, and wet. You can't seem to find
your bedroom walls
or ceiling
|
You have spent the night in the gutter |
Check to see if it is
opening time. If it isn't,
treat yourself to a lie in.
|
| Everything has gone dark and quiet
|
The bar is closing |
PANIC!!!!
|